A letter of introduction by Christian Helms of The Decoder Ring

3 Oct

Ben Barry stole my taco. I’m absolutely sure of it. Well, I should say I’m relatively sure of it– it was a Thursday evening, and the taco I’d placed there after lunch was nowhere to be found. Everyone was gone for the day, and the last to leave was Ben Barry. I’m positive I saw the taco just an hour earlier, when it was only he and I left in the studio.

Now I suppose a rabid muskrat might have gnawed through the baseboards in that crusty corner of the back storage room, pried the fridge open with his little bastard-claws and dragged my tasty Mexican morsel out the window and into the urban landscape, but I’m not buying it. It was Ben Barry, that son of a bitch.

Of course by “Ben,” I mean Bernard, his given name. That’s right– he just walked into your office, looked you square in the eye and lied to you! He is not only a thief, but also a liar. I’m also relatively sure he has unsavory thoughts about veal and other premium meat products, but that can’t really be proven. Regardless, he is at best a man of questionable character.

At this point, you may be wondering to yourself, “if you’re so perturbed, why write the introduction to Bernard’s portfolio?” Well that’s the thing–as much as I try, I can not hate young Bernard. Simply put, he is one of the best interns we’ve ever had at The Decoder Ring. During his time here he functioned at a level that was more akin to that of a junior designer than an intern. His skill set is far more advanced than most recent grads, and he is eager and excited about all aspects of design. He is one in a million. So despite his conniving ways, I can not hate him.

Before closing, I do have one request. When you hire Bernard, which I assume you will (you’d be mad not to), please pay him a hefty salary. I ask this not because I wish him well, but because that bastard owes me a taco, and I plan to collect.

Christian Helms


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